1- You took a bite of your toddler’s food. This is unacceptable and has turned whatever is on their plate into gutter trash. Toddler food sharing goes only one way: into their mouth. Your toddler is now devastated.
2- You’re trying to strap your toddler into her carseat. She would much rather freely roam the car as you drive 80mph on the freeway. As you try to push your toddler’s stiffened body into her seat while she screams like her hair’s on fire, please know that she’s devastated.
3- Your toddler caught you starting at him while he was watching TV. This is a breach of privacy. Your toddler has no choice but to roar at you angrily like a velociraptor and throw a plateful of crackers across the room. Being devastated will do that to a person.
4- You put your toddler’s food on the wrong plate. Or a drink in the wrong cup. Or you gave her the wrong spoon. Either way, there’s no coming back from this. Start searching “Toddler PTSD therapists” because your baby is now devastated.
5- It’s time to leave the park. When you arrived, your toddler clearly heard you say you’d be staying forever. Didn’t you bring a tent and all of their clothes? No? Get ready to carry your kicking toddler out of there because he is truly devastated.
6- You’ve been in the grocery store longer than six minutes. Does this errand immediately increase your toddler’s quality of life? No it does not. Devastated.
7- There’s frost on the ground and you’d prefer if your toddler wore shoes outside. She hates shoes. She despises shoes. She believes she is part grizzly bear and that cultural norms like “shoes” do not apply to her. You sit your toddler in your lap and force them on while she claws at your face. Your little girl is now devastated.
8- You smile at another child. This child may or may not be a sibling. Or did you dare hold a friend’s baby? This is an affair. You just had an affair and your toddler is the betrayed party. Good luck cleaning up this mess because not only is your toddler now forced to hate babies, he is devastated.
9- It’s dinner time. Your toddler doesn’t eat dinner. Your toddler eats snacks. Your toddler has to sit down for this meal? Why can’t he do laps around the table while he eats only bread? Why can’t he eat standing on the dining table? So many questions, but they all lead to the same place: devastation city.
10- It’s bedtime again? This is going to be a regular thing, isn’t it? Your toddler would much prefer to fall asleep in front of the TV or in your arms where you would hold him, unmoving, until the sun comes up. Get ready for a few hours of Shawshank Redemption-style escape attempts because not only is your toddler angry, she is #devastated.
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