A study out of the University of Virginia School of Behavioral Sciences is reporting that parents of toddlers have sex an average of 0 to negative 3 times a month.

The study followed 48 heterosexual couples over the course of four years.

Critics of the study are demanding to know how one has a negative amount of sex.

“It is possible,” reported head researcher Dr. Bernard Hopkins. “We found that the daily challenges of feeding, bathing, dressing, and dealing with the often janky behavior of toddlers causes the mother’s genitals to repel the father’s so strongly that it creates a breach in the space-time continuum erasing past sexual encounters. This results in a negative number of sexual relations overall.”

The study also found that the bedtime routine with toddlers formed a hermetic seal over the genitals of mothers that was impermeable to both steel and government grade lasers. When attempting to pierce it, the vagina let out a high-frequency animal-like feral scream only perceivable to dogs and wolves.

“We are working hard to find a cure for this,” shared Dr. Hopkins. “The only things that have come close to cracking the vacuum seal around the vagina are a combination of completed chores, high quality chocolates, and Jose Cuervo Especial.”

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