A memory of my childhood came up during therapy. It was when I was 8 years old, and I prayed every night for God to turn me blonde with blue eyes. Every morning I would woke up, and run to the mirror to see if He changed me. I always got so disappointed… I didn’t like being brown, short, and having brown eyes. But how this started? It all came from the message I got from my mom and the tv.
My mom had no idea that she was damaging me. We watched shows and movies, that the main character was white. And she would always make comments of how gorgeous those girls were. She also would say how she needed to lose weight. I also heard her and her friends commenting on people that got weight. Kids my age also made fun of how big my teeth were, so I never liked to smile as a kid. I also heard my aunts and other family members telling my mom how ugly my father was, and they also would tell me how I look alike my father. I was young, but I made the connection that they thought I was ugly.
It really damaged how I saw myself. I didn’t like that God made me brown and my sister white. I didn’t like that my younger sister was taller than me. I didn’t know that all that didn’t matter. I wish I had my mom complimenting all kinds of looks. I wish that looks were not the most important thing I learned.
I learned that you needed to be beautiful to be loved, instead of learning to be strong and loving myself. Maybe if I had a different message growing up I wouldn’t be abused by so many people. Maybe I would never been bulimic. Maybe I wouldn’t need to do therapy, because of anxiety, depression, and ptsd.
I want my daughter to grow up being strong and to love herself the way she is, but the most important is that I want her to see the Beauty in everyone. I also don’t want her to think that is the most beautiful either. I want her to know that everyone is beautiful in their own way. I want to praise her in the good things she accomplish, and encourage her to do good when she does wrong. I don’t like the way I was raised growing up, but I will use what I learned through my parent’s mistakes for the good of my kids.
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